There are so many things to be sad about and frustrated about right now that it’s overwhelming. More so than usual, that is.
It’s 2014 and there are so many things that we as humans should be over with, so to say. I’m sickened by so much right now and forming sentences feels difficult, and most likely pointless. So I’m not even going to try to write about things that I truly have no say in, so to say. But I empathize, very much so.
On top of this I am in-proportionately sad about Robin Williams as well. It’s a mixture of having grown up with his films from comedies as a kid to darker dramas as an ‘adult’ and also because I am a person with a mind very prone to depression. As such I feel it may be at least a little more appropriate for me to write a bit about this than of other things.
It is so painful that such a celebrated comedian can be so deeply sad inside, and it is also painful that this is so understandable to me.
I went through a very dark time back towards the end of my junior year of college, and well into my senior year, (due to reasons I may finally more publically/internetically explain later), and came very close to the brink… But what kept me away from it was… not that I wanted to continue to exist… but the thoughts of how devastating it would be to my family, and my friends. But oh, how close I came.
I was in a comedy troupe at the time, and that kept me going…Which in retrospect is a bit odd, as I haven’t pursued comedy since graduation, but still…. Even with all that I nearly went away, so to say. So I can relate to that suicidal mindset, and know how deep it can be, and how uncontrollable it can feel.
It took me years to get more out of that darkness and, looking back on it, it is truly a wonder I finished college and made it out to Los Angeles. I barely made it! And LA at first was so hard…I was so depressed and scared and this depression came out as an anger that baffled, confused, and pushed away my friends… It took quite a lot of work to leave that behind and react more positively to things here…
I am very glad I didn’t end it all back in college, for lots of wonderful things have happened in my life since. But the reasons I had for thinking the way I did then felt so true and so real and deep at that time that they still scare me even now.
I am rambling, but I suppose, in short: Depression is very real and can disconnect one from the external world to a staggering degree. Even so, I suppose, do your best to fight it though, for the future is unknowable and just because one feels the way they do now doesn’t mean that change isn’t ahead and might be excellent, if only you let yourself reach it.